How to Help a Child Deal with Death

If you are here, reading this page, I’m so sorry for your loss. Helping kids cope with death is never an easy concept to tackle, but that much harder when you are feeling the loss as well. Please know that while death is permanent, the pause in your life is temporary. You will grieve and, with your children’s help, continue to find joy while living. You still have so much to offer this world, most especially your family!

This was a topic that I was hopeful I could keep from my kids as long as possible. But we cannot prevent death and it will occur regardless of if we are ready or not. Now, we try to best help our children through the coping of losing someone they love. We lost their wonderful Noni, grandmother, suddenly without any warning. Helping kids cope with death is an on-going experience that will get easier with time but never fully goes away.

Talking with Your Kids

When we lost my mother (the kid’s grandmother), it was completely unexpected and something we had not even begun speaking with our own children about. Four young kids all with various memories of grandma. The shock of hearing grandma passed away brought a lot of questions from the kids. Each kid asked their own questions and followed very different thinking paths. None of them coped in the same way.

We sat down with the four kids (well our little one was mostly held) and let them know about their grandma passing away. Then we just spent time holding each of our children and letting them grieve in their own way. When they felt well enough to go play, we let them know that they could come to us with any questions at any time. Our oldest needed much more snuggle time than the boys.

Our boys, being only 4 and 7, seemed to need less in the moment. They really wanted to go back to playing and I’m honestly not sure that they grasped the concept of death just yet. But our 9-year-old definitely understood that she wouldn’t be seeing her Noni again. Instead of keeping all the kids together, we let them return to play when they were ready but made sure to block out our time so we could stay as long as they needed. Our kids ended the conversation, not our busy schedules.

Have Individual Conversations

When they each started having questions, we talked with them individually. This way we could answer the 9-year-olds questions without scaring the 4-year-old. And we could answer the 4-year-olds questions in a way he would understand without seeming to leave out important information for the 9-year-old. Talking with each separately when they were ready really let us address each child’s needs. It also allowed us to offer them the compassion they needed.

Does this mean that we kept the 9-year-old from asking questions when her brothers were around? No. We talked openly with all our kids. Our 4-year-olds attention didn’t last long and we could soon have a more in-depth conversation with our older two children. Usually it was our 4-year-old who started the conversation and then our older two children would stay around and ask more questions after he was done. We found the time to talk with our kids until they decided they were done.

On occasion, you may need to divide your kids. Having two parents makes this much easier. If our daughter started asking more in-depth questions, either my husband or I could walk to another room with her while the other parent stayed with the boys. This way we could give them each the time and answers they needed. However, if your partner isn’t home or you are a single parent, this becomes much more difficult. This is where having a friend or relative you can call on the phone or video call comes in handy. You can ask them to speak with one of your children while you work with the other. Oh, the power of technology.

What to Say when Helping Kids Cope with Death?

Since all children are different, there really are no “right” words. Take the time to listen to your child’s worries, questions, and even hopes. Listening and compassion go much further than any words you could share. Then do your best to reassure them, answer their questions, and share their hopes. Sometimes words aren’t even what your child wants. Offer a hug, snuggle, or even just your time to let them cry and express themselves. What you do is far more important right now than what you say.

Not sure how to begin the conversation. That’s okay, when first letting your children know about the death, be honest. Don’t try to hide the death with fancy words or lots of fluff. Your child may completely miss that their loved one has died. We just told our children that Noni passed away. Then we let them talk while we listened. We shared our faith them them and even our believes. Only you will be able to decide what more you will share with your children because each family has their own faith and beliefs. Then answer their questions as honestly as you can.

Can You Share Your Own Grief With Your Children?

Absolutely. We found that it was best to be open with our kids about our own grief. They will see it anyways. No matter how you try to hide it, they will notice your sadness, your tears, and even your forgetfulness. We shared with our children how much we loved their Noni and that we too were feeling sad at her death. Our children wanted to snuggle with us and help us feel better too.

While you should share that you too are coping with the death of your loved one, try to place the focus as much on your children as you are able. Hopefully you have a support system in place of other adults, but for your children, you are their support system. Share your grief, but then listen to what they need to. And don’t be surprised if what they need is to go to practice, dance class, art class, or even school.

Routine is Key in Helping Kids Cope with Death

As we approached the wake and the funeral, the busy adults made arrangements and got things prepared. Throughout this time, the busy, grieving adults needed to remember kids struggle too. So, we kept their routine as similar as possible. They continued to attend school, go to after school events and extra curricular activities. We tried to keep everything as similar as possible. We definitely needed to rely on family, friends, and neighbors to help.

When you are able, try to be the person who brings your child to their usual events throughout the day. Make their breakfast like you usually would, take them to the bus stop, or pick them up from school. However, you will also be juggling many more responsibilities right now. So it is perfectly okay to let your kids know that someone else will help them off the bus or bring them to soccer this evening. As much as you are able, give your children a heads up of who to expect and their schedule.

In addition, we gave the kids little jobs where they could help. Our older two could read, so we asked if they would help pick passages (usually from 2). Then we asked them to read at the funeral. Our younger son wasn’t reading yet, but he helped pick pictures and flowers with the other two. Even more than the service, we asked them to help us with getting themselves ready for their own events. Having more people helping with transportation, we needed our kids to be even more responsible for their school and sport equipment. They especially needed to make sure all their materials came into the house.

The Wake

The day of the wake all the adults needed to talk with the guests who came to offer support. This made for an especially difficult day for the kids. And of course, so many of the people who came were strangers to them.

What to Bring

Definitely plan for this long time with kids. We packed a bag with paper to make cards, coloring books, coloring supplies, legos, iPads, a board game, and decks of cards. All quiet activities for the kids. Then we set these up in a private space for the kids to go when they needed a break from upstairs. Expect your children to spend lots of time in this room. All the adults get a little overwhelming, especially the tears.

Plus, we made sure to have plenty of kid friendly food available as they would be there for about 7 hours. We had plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables, kid-sized sandwiches, and desserts: cookies, cakes, pastries, etc. Remember to bring drinks for kids too. Sometimes a special treat or drink can go a long way with helping your kids feel special today.

If possible, ask someone to take your kids for a break – go to a park, head home for a bit (or at bedtime), play with a friend, etc. See Making the Case for Sleep as a reminder of why we had our children head home for bedtime.

A Special Gift when Helping Kids Cope with Death

Right before the wake began and strangers started pouring in, we called the kids upstairs to say goodbye to their grandma. We allowed the option for them to go up to the casket or not. Each of our children wanted to see Noni one more time, but we didn’t expect them too. We all said our special good-bye and our children slipped in homemade cards and a few pictures in with their grandma.

Then we gave each of the kids a gift from grandma, which we prepared in advance of the wake. We made each of the kids a photo collage with pictures of them with grandma and put it in a frame. Afterwards, each child received 2 scratch off tickets (grandma’s favorite) and a pair of sunglasses (she was always losing these and asking the kids to help her find them). We had wrapped each of these to give them the joy of opening something special from their grandma and bring a little happiness to the day.

We made one gift set for each grandchild. Not only did these help to keep the kids busy but they are memories that the kids still go to months after losing their grandmother. They know she loved them and can remember all the great times together, not just the wake and funeral. These are proudly displayed in our children’s rooms and sometimes even find their way into beds for the evening.

Take Care of Yourself

Don’t forget that you are just as important as your children when you are helping kids cope with death. Your focus will inevitably return to their needs and everything you can do to help them. While you should definitely support your children in any way you can, you also need to find time to take care of yourself. This may mean starting the morning with some gentle reflection and remembering your loved one during your shower, making a cup of coffee and drinking them away from your children, or even going for a walk while your kids are in school.

Reach out to your support system. Rely on your partner, your family, your friends, and even neighbors. When you need to talk, find someone with whom you feel comfortable speaking. If you need, reach out to a therapist. It is okay to get help and in fact, taking care of yourself will better help you to take care of your children. Remember, while your children are grieving and need you, you too are grieving and need support.

Dealing with death when you have kids is never fun, but little touches go a long way with kids. And being as prepared as possible always helps! Leave us a comment below and let us know what has helped you when you experienced a loss. And if you are currently going through a loss, feel free to reach out and we will send virtual hugs and encouragement.

Hi, I’m Nicole.

Here at Creatingbutterflies we provide families with practical solutions to real life problems for everything parenting, scouting, dual language, and enjoying time outdoors. We are a family of 6 with 4 wonderful becoming bilingual children who loves scouting, camping, and hiking with their family. Mom is an educator and dad is a firefighter/paramedic.